Friends have asked how I manage to keep a strong attitude in my fight against uterine carcinosarcoma, a fight that’s been going on since 2017 when the disease was diagnosed.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s a long story.
When I wrote a first draft of a memoir a decade or so ago, it became a tale of endless tragedies that were not self-induced. I don’t wish to retell the stories, but beginning with my mother’s death when I was in my terrible twos, a game of Toss and You’re It as to where I would live and with whom throughout my childhood, certainly helped me choose will and determination. The first few decades of adulthood followed a similar pattern of WTH or “what’s next??”
On the positive side, there were angels who stepped in throughout the years offering positive and loving life lessons. It made sense to me that applying those lessons would keep my head above water. And it did.
I learned not to be a victim. I learned to let my spirit animal, a black leopard, to guide me through a dark forest of prickly weeds and into the solace of light. (I guess that’s why a favor cats.)
Some might say at this shortened life-tale, “Well that’s all fine and dandy, but you now have a cancer without a cure. That seems unfair to me.”
Yeah, it sucks. But on the other hand, I’m no longer a young woman, and we all gotta go back to the spirit sooner or later. At least I wasn’t taken out in my youth, like my mother, a husband, and friends near and dear to me. I’m blessed with a generous bit of decades filled with gifts that I could never have imagined in my youth.
Be assured that I will fight this disease in every way I can. There are still goals I wish to achieve, albeit at a slow limping speed. All those years of WTH built a shield of protective armor that disallows self-pity, and gave me a warrior’s attitude instead. It also fed my inner black leopard who dined on those ugly moments, and developed strength to take on things like depression, victimhood, and fear.
So, it’s my guess that this is how I maintain my will and positive attitude to carry on—you know, like in these Crosby, Stills & Nash lyrics to “Carry On:”
“The sky is clearing and the night
Has gone out
The sun, he come, the world
Is all full of love
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice
But to carry on”